I can’t believe we are already most of the way through August. At the beginning of the month I started a blog that I never finished and it is so wildly irrelevant now that this morning I deleted it and decided to start again.
It’s been a tough month for me to get anything done.
We returned from my brother’s wedding at the end of July and I had a real vigour for life and was inspired to shift my training and weight loss into a new gear so I could lose this last bit of weight.
I’m currently settled about 5 to 7 lbs (day depending) above the weight I was before I was put on quetiapine, and that’s about 7lbs more than my comfortable weight. So I think I’m aiming to lose another stone from here. It’s not too much but the closer I get to my goal weight the harder the weight loss is. But this whole weight loss journey has been hard. It’s no joke, quetiapine has really FUCKED my metabolism.
Over my brother’s wedding I didn’t keep up the intermittent fasting, or exercise, and I drank a lot of alcohol. It all fell to pieces.
When I returned I had a real drive to start exercising again and to get back on track, but THAT DID NOT HAPPEN.
Fuck, it’s been terrible. I’ve been full of excuses and I’ve really been cheating myself.
I’ve done 1 yoga class in August so far, and today it’s the 20th day of the month. This is by far the longest period this last couple of years I have left it between classes. On 4th August I had a new tattoo which meant I couldn’t go to class for a couple of weeks. Normally I wouldn’t leave it so long after a tattoo but as I mentioned, I have been finding excuses so really rode out on this one.
I couldn’t wear a sports bra for a little while as it healed so I also used this excuse not to run. I did 5Km on 2nd August before the tattoo which was my first run for 2.5 weeks, and then nothing for 2 more weeks until I managed a single solitary 4Km. It’s now been 6 days since that. Not good.
I tried to do some home practice to keep on top of things but on reflection I have only done 4 sessions lasting a total of 65 minutes and another 3 days of sun salutations (20 rounds in total). Certainly better than nothing but not ideal.
In August alone I have taken 9 rest days. 9/19. Half of the days this month. 😩
It’s not at all good but I don’t want to beat myself up about it too much. Giles pointed out that this is the normal cyclical pattern I seem to have and it is part of the cyclical mental health pattern that led to me being given the bipolar medication a few years ago. It didn’t help, I don’t have bipolar, but there is something repeating in these patterns of my life and in my thoughts and subsequently my actions. All or nothing. Self-serving of self-sabotage. Do or do not.
So here I am again, on a Monday morning, trying to re-establish a routine. I weighed-in this morning and I have only gained 2lbs so this is an absolute joy, it really could have been a lot more. I could lose that again this week with a little effort.
I may feel like I’m back at the starting line, but here is the thing; this has just been a wobble. I see it, I’m not going to punish myself and I also won’t overdo it as compensation.
At the start of last week I had a good few days after I saw this on the internet:
It really spoke to me. I sometimes get so fixated on all the things I need to do that I am paralysed from doing anything. So, I just have to do something, and that is enough.
Today I would normally try to run and yoga and…. and….and…., but instead I have set achievable goals. I am on annual leave so I have time today so I will track my food on Noom. I will go for walk before I break my fast at Midday. I will stick to intermittent fasting but will eat healthy food when I do eat. I have therapy this afternoon afterwhich I will go to yoga.
I shall focus on the future and the plans I need to put in place to meet my goals rather than hanging up on the last few weeks any further. On Noom there is an article on putting in place an SOS plan for when I relapse so I am going to read that this afternoon and put a plan in place to prevent or at least manage further relapses.
In 10 days time I go on a short beach holiday for 4 days, so if I can lose a few pounds by then that would feel great. Then it’ll be September and just 4 months left of the year.
My aim is to be my goal weight by Christmas. That’s 18 weeks away. At a pound a week it’s possible but to achieve this I have to commit fully. No relapses, no falling off the wagon, no excuses, no cheating.
Can I do it? I hope so.
I’m going to spend some time thinking about all I have to gain by making this commitment, rather than being fixated on what I have to give up. It is the final push. I’m doing this for me, but I wonder is that be motivation enough?
